You probably know this by now, but
I was stupid.
I can only hope that you've fixed the mistakes I've made, and made a life for yourself.
A good life.
A happy life.
And maybe you've forgotten the stupid decisions I've made, and all of the sheer, utter insanity that I put you through.
For all of it.
I really hope that you accomplished everything you wanted to do. I hope you got into a good college; I'm sorry for nearly messing that up for you with my bad study habits, if you can even call them that.
I failed my first test; remember that day? I broke down at religious school, because I was too afraid to cry in my own house. My friends there gave me hugs and napkins to wipe my eyes. One said we'd tell people it was allergies, so I wouldn't be embarrassed, but my other friend shot her idea down. He said, "Since when does she care what other people think?" I hope you still don't, really, and you still dare to be different.
Maybe you've learned to let go of things. That's a major accomplishment. Trust me, I'd know, because I have yet to accomplish it. Letting go of things, you know this, has always been hard for me. Especially when it breaks my heart to set something free. I can never do it, because I always wonder what'll happen when it's gone. And I fear it. I can't release one who had once been a close friend, because I can't get rid of the memories from when we were close.
You know how it made, and makes, me cry.
You know how I bottle in emotions, until they burst. Remember that day I held in tears until I was on the school bus? I hope the girl that broke the news that made me upset, and that sat with me and comforted me because she was a true friend, is still your friend. And I hope you still hold her as close to your heart as I do now.
Don't hold in emotions like I do. It only ends in pain.
Maybe you've learned to be more social. Maybe you don't shrink back when people aren't talking about something that interests you. Maybe you've been using your iPod a bit less…or maybe not.
Maybe you're still a writer. Maybe you're even renowned for it. I hope you are; it's always been your dream. Maybe you're doing something in art. Maybe you're even renowned for that. I hope you are; you've always loved and appreciated art.
I hope that the music you listen to is still diverse; from every era, every style. I hope that you still have the songs I have, and I hope you still listen to them.
Maybe, by now, you have a family. And I hope with all my heart that you are in a happy marriage. Maybe not to one of the guys you liked in High School, but I do hope that he makes you happy. And I hope you make him laugh and make him be proud of having you as a spouse.
You know, I haven't hoped once that you're successful. But I know you are, as long as you're happy. Personal happiness… is quite possibly the best form of success there is.
I hope you're happy.
Just a final few words here, promise. Then you can get back to your happy life.
Don't dwell on the past. You can't fix it. But, you can fix the present, and the future. I vow to try. So you work on that too.
Remember me. Remember all the stupid choices, the dumb mistakes, the things I'll never forgive myself for. But remember too, all the laughs, the friends, the countless smiles that I've evoked. You can evoke them too. Trust me.
Love yourself as much as you love others. Care about yourself as much as you care about others.
I may write another letter to you; when I'm older and have made more mistakes for you to fix. I apologize in advance. Best of luck in all that you want to accomplish.
One who you know, and will always be with you.